Sorry about falling behind. I was a bit under the weather for a bit as the title of this post implies and I fell way behind in this class and some of my other classes as well. As it stands, I am just happy I got my poem in for critique. Beat it with a stick until it is bloody for me, guys. In the mean time, I'll subject you to a free write.
I Went to This Talk About Sex
By: David the Mathis
The lights are dim, and there are little note cards,
they're being passed around and people are
writing questions on them about sex
and sexuality, and
condoms.
You don't catch HPV off toilet seats or towels;
primarily, it is sexually transmitted, and this means
men are carriers, so
shouldn't we be protecting both parties?
Everyone seems in-tune with what is being said.
The panel is arranged, ready, poised.
The questions keep coming by,
written like 8th grade research note cards:
Brief.
Sexual orientation isn't about body parts,
it's about how we love and it's mostly innate--
the emotional component of being gay is huge. Besides,
parenting is parenting and gays love their kids
the same as any other parents.
Everyone is waiting and holding their breath for
offensive material or controversial material,
like gay marriage or homoerotic tendencies, or
rape.
Everything around us says we need bigger boobs,
need to show more cleavage--not all women throw
themselves out for sex and not all guys are
insensitive pricks; if someone tells you you're an idiot
or a slut, or you're for having sex, you'll believe it eventually.
The crowd cheers as answers are delivered,
born like raindrops from clouds to sprinkle
the dusty crops because they need to be told
that guys can be raped just like women, that women should
call themselves "women" and not something lesser, such as
"girls."
Someone told her she wasn't worth it.
First off, I like the subject matter and I like the distant tone you applied to the subject matter. Reminiscent of how Meitner handled Sex Ed in my opinion. I like the contrast of the note card questions and answers (in italics) versus the setting. And while I'm on "likes" I like your lists. "sex, sexuality, and condoms." "gay marriage, homoerotic tendencies, rape." There's got to be a better way to say "homoerotic tendencies" though. It's a mouth-full and feels too Latin for that place in this piece. I do like, however, how the lists end with something so solid, one-syllable, and concrete. You can't necessarily touch rape but it sure is a lot more visual than "gay marriage" in my opinion. It also opens up another tone for the rest of the piece.
ReplyDeleteSome of the lines could use some tightening. They tend to be somewhat wordy. You have great knack for detail but I think that what you should focus on is if the details you're providing create redundancy in the piece. For instance, and this is a personal preference, but most note cards aren't huge so to say they are little seems unnecessary. Also, would removing that word ruin or help your meter?
I feel that "offensive and controversial material" paired with gay marriage works almost as a cliche. It goes without saying that gay marriage is controversial and I wonder if there might not be a better way to phrase that.
I also feel you have the potential to play with some really great verbs here. For example, instead of "delivered" in the last stanza, does anything change if the answers skip straight to being born? I feel like in terms of language, born answers are surprising refreshing, especially when they're born like raindrops.
Does the last line serve a purpose so significant that the piece can't stand without it?
Anyway, hope you feel completely whole again soon. As always, hope this helps.